Everyone is different, which is what makes life so exciting. Whether with a new partner, or a long-term lover, learning all about each other lies right at the heart of sex. Despite that, people still find it difficult to discuss their sexuality and sexual needs with each other. Whatever your particular kink, the first step to seeing your fantasies realised is to talk about them.

There are often two reasons that people don’t want to talk about their fantasies:

They’re a giver

Some people go into sex with the attitude that their sole purpose is to provide pleasure. This could be because they’re unfailingly generous, or because they see that one should be able to please one’s partner as a point of pride. Or maybe they see themselves as a sexual martyr. They don’t talk about their own sexual mores because their needs are secondary to their partners’ (or so they believe). If this sounds like you, then you may need to rethink your approach, because in throwing yourself on the orgasmic sword, you are denying your partner the very thing that you’re craving – the satisfaction of bringing pleasure to your partner. So don’t be afraid to be selfish every once in a while, and talk about what it is that you want from sex. Unless quite literally all you want is to bring pleasure, in which case you may be some sort of saint. If you feel that you may be on the other side of this, then you may also need to address this balance, because you don’t want your partner to feel like…

They’re with a taker

As with the above, some people’s role in sex is simply to give, but for some this might not really be their choice. Some people find that they can’t talk about their desires and fantasies because their partner would not be receptive to the idea. If you feel like you may be putting your partner in this position then act on this immediately. Speak to your partner and make sure that they know that you want to know exactly what they want in the bedroom. This doesn’t need to be all as dramatic as it sounds: next time you’re in the throes, just ask what they want. Conversely, if you feel that your partner is the more selfish one, then communication is the answer here as well. If you feel that you can display some dominance, then do so, be assertive and tell your partner what you want, don’t ask them. If you feel this seems a bit much, then just drop it into private conversation, keep it lighthearted, but make sure they know you are serious. Once they know the pleasure of bringing pleasure, with any luck the balance should restore itself.

Communication is one of the most important tools for guaranteeing better sex, so make sure that you and your partner are completely open with each other when it comes to fantasies and desires. The important thing to remember here though, is that the communication itself is key, because it is completely possible that your partner does not want to share in these fantasies, and this is their right. You should never introduce any new element without discussing it first, especially if you feel that your sexual predilections could be considered particularly ‘out there’. You can be sure that if you are open with them and willing to discuss, then they’ll be happy to incorporate at least some element of it into your sex life. This just means better sex for you both!